I am an ex-husband; an individual who, together with my ex-wife, failed in my marriage. It is my belief that marriages never fail. Rather, it is people who fail in their marriages. In the past 24 months, I have been privy to some of the most devastating Muslim marriage stories in Singapore. These include:<\/p>\n
- \n
- A couple splitting on the first night of their marriage due to differences in personalities.<\/li>\n
- After 17 years of marital (bliss?) and three children, a woman discovered her teenage-hood lover on a social networking site and absconded.<\/li>\n
- A married man and a married woman began an extra-marital affair whilst at Hajj, resulting in the woman committing bigamy and living with two husbands for a period of time.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
The above are just the tip of the iceberg. I have examples from the whole spectrum featuring all races and colours, arranged and love marriages, same ethnic background and mixed couples, cross-border and local relationships … give me a permutation and, much to my dismay, I will quote you a story.<\/p>\n
Despite the differences, there is one characteristic that binds them all – they belong to a breed called “practising Muslims” \u2013 a term which is probably the most oxymoronic in contemporary Islamic\/Muslim vocabulary<\/strong>. One will be hard-pressed to find a term such as that in classical Islamic texts.<\/p>\n
Having witnessed such ugliness, I am compelled to write this article to share some thoughts. It is my ardent hope that it will evoke much needed reflection in couples today and help someone, sometime, somewhere, some way, some how inshaAllah.<\/p>\n
The Crumbling Pillar<\/h1>\n
Marriage (and correspondingly the family) is one of the main pillars of any society. The unavoidable crumbling of the marriage institution is a pivotal sign that signals the arrival of the Last Days. We are living in a time where we are witnessing this tragedy unfold right before our very eyes. Yet, we are blind to this apparent reality.<\/p>\n
The statistics are startling; divorce rates are continuing to sky-rocket. There is a frightening lack of fear or consideration in Muslims\u2019 hearts regarding the revealed fact that divorce is the \u201cmost hated permissible matter in the Sight of Allah\u201d [Abu Dawud]<\/strong>. People are oblivious to the reality that the Glorious Throne of Allah (the inimitable Arsh<\/em>) shudders when a man utters the \u201cT\u201d word.<\/p>\n
Shaykh Amer Jamil<\/a>, a respected scholar from Scotland on Muslim family law, writes:<\/p>\n
In the UK recent estimations say that 1 in 8 Muslim marriages are ending in divorce and in North America the Muslim divorce rates are now over 30%. The increase in divorce rates is creating new changes within the Muslim community such as the increase in single parent families. In Scotland alone at least 1 in 10 Muslim families are now single parent families.<\/p>\n
Jamil, A. (2011). Talaq! The Reminder. Retrieved from http:\/\/goo.gl\/iuOnf<\/a><\/p><\/blockquote>\n
In less than a generation, the sacrosanct institution of marriage has lost its \u201cappeal\u201d while the adherents enter into it with a sacrilegious attitude. They are ever ready to press the \u201cEmergency Exit\u201d button (i.e. divorce) or, worse, commit vile transgressions (i.e. sins to fulfil carnal desires) in the event of things not panning out the way they had visualized or rather dreamed it to be.<\/p>\n
How did we end up in this mess? Unfortunately, there is no one word or one article answer to that pertinent question!<\/p>\n
Nafs + Nafs = Double Trouble<\/h1>\n
![\"\"](\"http:\/\/muzlimbuzz.sg\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/12\/fight.jpg\" "\\"Boxing")
<\/a><\/p>\nFundamentally, potential couples (and those who are already married) have to understand a basic fact: up till we take our marriage vows, we are dealing with one Nafs<\/em> <\/a>only \u2013 our own. We know well how difficult it is to manage our own Nafs<\/em>. Just reflect on the amazing battles we have with our selves every passing moment: right vs wrong, good vs bad, Halal vs Haram, fajr<\/em> vs sleep and many, many more.<\/p>\n
The moment we have uttered, \u201cTill death do us apart, InshaAllah<\/em>!\u201d we instantly have to start dealing with and managing another Nafs<\/em>! At this point, \u201cselective amnesia\u201d dawns upon us. We forget all the battles we have waged with our own Nafs<\/em> and expect the new companion Nafs<\/em> to behave appropriately and respond accordingly when \u201ccommanded to\u201d.<\/p>\n
Do we call this naivety or plain stupidity?<\/p>\n
A Little History Digression<\/h1>\n
A generation or two ago, when men were still men and women were still women, people did not have access to \u201cWeekend Deen Intensives on the Fiqh<\/em> of Marriage\u201d, \u201cOnline Classes on Building Successful Families\u201d, \u201cCompulsory Pre-Marriage Course (as it happens in Singapore)\u201d and other such contemporary luxuries.<\/p>\n
Yet, surprisingly, they had stronger and lasting marriages. Certainly there were divorces and marital issues to contend with. BUT, there is no denying the fact that couples tried to exhaust all options to work things out \u201cbeyond the call of duty\u201d.<\/p>\n
Some (read: today\u2019s modernists and feminists) would say that it was because women were not \u201cliberated\u201d. Women were dependent on men for their living and existence. Besides, there was stigma attached to being divorced. Hence, they put up with whatever that came their way from their spouses. Therefore it only appears<\/em> like they had stronger and lasting marriages.<\/p>\n
While there may be an element of truth in that, the reality is that people back then grew up in a culture of responsibility and accountability from a relatively young age<\/strong>. Once children come of age, they were either:<\/p>\n
- \n
- married off to start a family<\/li>\n
- occupied in serious study<\/li>\n
- engaged in trade, agriculture, or protecting the lands<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
My father left his village in South India at the age of 14 to seek a living in Singapore. He did not even complete his secondary education. My late grandfather, who had absolutely no education in the secular sense, but could recite the Qur\u2019an and other Arabic compositions in the most beautiful manner, had left in his youth for pastures anew to support his family and relatives. My mother was married to my father when she was 18 and my late grandmother was 16 when she got married.<\/p>\n
[pullquote_left]\u201cTeenage-hood\u201d is essentially a modern phenomena where human beings are groomed to become slaves to their base selves (Nufus<\/em>) and stay irresponsible and immature for a prolonged period.[\/pullquote_left]<\/p>\n
The people mentioned above, like a significant majority from their generations and times, had limited access to formal schooling. But what they lacked in\u00a0education per se, they adequately made up with their impeccable morals and possessed the lost (and perhaps forgotten) virtue of chivalry. This is where the \u201cpracticing Muslim\u201d of today fails quite spectacularly.<\/strong><\/p>\n
IMPORTANT NOTE: based on the examples above, please do NOT for a moment think that I advocate under-age marriage today. The 18-year olds and 16-year olds of today are akin to the 8-year olds and 6-year olds of the past. Less than 2 generations ago, there did NOT exist in people\u2019s lives the stage of \u201cteenage-hood\u201d which essentially is a modern phenomena where human beings are groomed to become slaves to their base selves (Nufus<\/em>) and stay irresponsible and immature for a prolonged period. This topic requires another treatise and has been addressed by a number of scholars – both Muslim and otherwise – from the Western hemisphere.<\/p>\n
The Qur\u2019anic<\/em> Imperative<\/h1>\n
So, what am I saying? It is not black and white. It is not simply a case of learning the Fiqh al-Nikkah<\/em> and doing (Islamic) activities together. These are collectively\u00a0one\u00a0side of what needs doing. The second, and most important aspect, is keeping the Nafs<\/em> in constant check, especially when things start to go wrong, and not let it have free rein over one\u2019s affairs.<\/p>\n
Allah emphatically states in the\u00a0Gentle Qur’an\u00a0in Surah Yusuf about the\u00a0Nafs<\/em> that is prone to evil by default:<\/p>\n
(53). “Nor do I absolve my own self (of blame):\u00a0the (human)\u00a0self is certainly prone to evil, unless my Lord do bestow His Mercy: but surely My Lord is Oft- forgiving, Most Merciful.”<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
Essentially, instead of going on about what the rights are that we are entitled to from our spouses and what we are not getting from them, we should focus on the wrongs that we are committing to ourselves, our spouses, our children, our families, our loved ones, and (most importantly) our beloved Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) and\u00a0our Merciful Lord (eminent is His Glory).<\/p>\n
Allah\u00a0declares in the Majestic Qur\u2019an in Surah Al-Ra’d about the need to rectify the self before attempting to effect a change around us:<\/p>\n
(11). “Verily never will Allah change the condition of a people until they change it themselves (with their own souls).”<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
I strongly urge readers to ponder upon the above two verses and look-up classical commentaries on the various profound interpretations that our righteous scholars have derived from them.<\/p>\n
The Two Two\u2019s<\/h1>\n
Shaikh Nuh Keller<\/a>,\u00a0a\u00a0contemporary Sufi scholar,\u00a0once succinctly summarized the essential needs of both men and women in a marriage in the Two Two\u2019s:<\/p>\n
[box_dark]<\/p>\n
Men:<\/h3>\n
- \n
- Physical pleasure (i.e. sex)
\nSelf-explanatory.<\/li>\n - Respect
\nMan, by nature, cannot fathom compromise to his honour and dignity. Even the beggar on the street desires respect. The Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) has in various narrations articulated the protection of a Muslim\u2019s Izza<\/em> (generally translated as honour. But it is more than that). What then for the husband who is the shepherd of his flock?<\/li>\n<\/ol>\nWomen:<\/h3>\n
- \n
- Love
\nUnconditional showering of love \u2013 rightfully so. A woman leaves the love and compassion of her family and the comfort and familiarity of her household from childhood to start a brand new life with a complete stranger. It is imperative on the husband to genuinely make her feel like the pupil of his eye.<\/li>\n - Security
\nWomen desire the ability to sleep easy every night without having to worry about where tomorrow\u2019s \u201crice\u201d is going to come from or what new eccentricity one\u2019s husband is going to be up to. This varies from woman to woman. Some are able to cope with \u201csurprises\u201d and \u201clast-minute-action\u201d while many are not.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n[\/box_dark]<\/p>\n
L.O.V.E.<\/h1>\n
In reality, our excessive diet of Hollywood\u00a0sauces and Bollywood masala means that many of us have a skewed understanding and do not truly understand what this word means. Every couple has their own understanding of \u201clove\u201d. As for me, after all that I have been through, this is what I believe LOVE should mean to every married (Muslim) couple:<\/p>\n
![\"\"](\"http:\/\/muzlimbuzz.sg\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/12\/love.jpg\" "\\"love\\"")
<\/a>L<\/em><\/strong>oving each other selflessly for the sake of God<\/em>, most High, without any preconceived notions and conditions attached.<\/p>\nO<\/strong>verlooking and being blind to each other\u2019s faults<\/em> \u2013 however minor or major (as long as one\u2019s faith is not compromised and no criminal acts are committed) \u2013 while gently helping the other to rectify him\/her self.<\/p>\n
V<\/strong>eiling one\u2019s physical and spiritual senses from any other<\/em> [ghair-Mahram<\/em>] member of the opposite gender to protect and safeguard the sanctity of the marital relationship.<\/p>\n
E<\/strong>ncouraging each other in the path towards God and His Beloved<\/em>, upon him be blessings and peace, with the common goal to behold Allah\u2019s Countenance Tomorrow whilst being in each other\u2019s arms, adorning Luxurious Garments, reclining in Wondrous Cushions, partaking in a Splendorous Spread of heavenly gastronomical delights, and enjoying the Breezes in the Highest Gardens under which rivers of Milk and Honey flow, God-willing!<\/p>\n
Irregardless of whether you,\u00a0dear reader, are\u00a0single, engaged, married, or even divorced, I pray that you find in the above an ideal to aspire to.<\/p>\n
[divider]<\/p>\n
Idris Kamal<\/strong>
\nBorn and bred in Singapore,\u00a0Idris Kamal is an apprentice\u00a0goat herder. After completing his National Service,\u00a0he left for the UK\u00a0where he graduated from the University of Birmingham and worked at\u00a0Islamic Relief Worldwide<\/a>. When he is not tending to goats, he spends his\u00a0time reading, writing and working on a myriad of stuff. He can be reached at\u00a0www.facebook.com\/idris.kamal<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Musings of an Ex-Husband Some disclaimers are necessary at the offset: I am not a sociologist trained in examining the family unit. Neither am I a marriage counsellor qualified to advise warring couples nor do I hold any grandiose pretension to be a guru of any sort. And I certainly am not a prophet of […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1704,"featured_media":2639,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[24,18],"tags":[580,10,236,581,579,235,396,1178],"class_list":["post-1512","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-family","category-family-marriage","tag-divorce","tag-featured","tag-islamic-marriage","tag-love","tag-marriage","tag-muslim-marriage","tag-nafs","tag-nikah"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/simplyislam.sg\/muslimbuzz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1512","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/simplyislam.sg\/muslimbuzz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/simplyislam.sg\/muslimbuzz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/simplyislam.sg\/muslimbuzz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1704"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/simplyislam.sg\/muslimbuzz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1512"}],"version-history":[{"count":33,"href":"https:\/\/simplyislam.sg\/muslimbuzz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1512\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2637,"href":"https:\/\/simplyislam.sg\/muslimbuzz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1512\/revisions\/2637"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/simplyislam.sg\/muslimbuzz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/2639"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/simplyislam.sg\/muslimbuzz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1512"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/simplyislam.sg\/muslimbuzz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1512"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/simplyislam.sg\/muslimbuzz\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1512"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
- Love
- Physical pleasure (i.e. sex)